Published: October 07, 2008 05:24 pm      

Fighting Terrorism

Since 9/11, the thoughts of every clear-minded individual on the globe have turned themselves to the question of how to rid the world of radical terrorist/extremists who would even kill themselves for the chance to kill others.



These miserable excuses for human beings invoke the teachings of a peaceful religion as their reason - and even as permission - to kill innocent people. Their reward: 72 virgins in the afterlife. Seventy-two virgins is very strong incentive for an adolescent mind, but I don’t believe that a mighty god like Allah would ever lower himself to pimping for the cause.



The extremists claim that the Quran directs them to do such dastardly deeds, when in fact, the Quran prohibits suicide. Young men are the principal recruits for suicide bombings because they are the only no-minds who could be talked into to such a farce.



If the older men truly believed in the rhetoric they were spewing, why wasn’t Osama bin Laden and his band of merry men the first in line to get their 72 virgins? Are we supposed to believe they are somehow being magnanimous by allowing the young recruits to be blown to bits so they could have first shot at the virgins? I’m not buying it.



If they were true believers of Islam religion and not just promoters of anarchy and hate, then there are weapons we could use that would be more effective than even a nuclear bomb.



True Muslims believe that pigs are unclean and that one cannot enter heaven if they have eaten or even touched a pig. If that is the case, why haven’t we developed a line of porcine weapons designed to stop terrorism in its tracks? Terrorize the terrorists with pork cannons and ham grenades.



Instead of dropping bombs on a safe house, drop a 500lb pig carcass. True believers would be horrified, drop their weapons and beg for mercy.



Think of the money that could be saved in reconstruction costs if, instead of raining missiles down on a city taken hostage by terrorists, we could carpet bomb the city with bacon bits.



The terrorists use roadside bombs to deal with Americans. We could use exploding pigs with remote control detonation devices that would plaster an unsuspecting troop of would-be virgin defilers with raw pork and pig guts. Think of all the virgins we’d save!



If by some amazing chance the terrorists managed to raise an army and met us on our home turf, the citizens of the United States would simply turn a hog loose in our front yards and carry a shotgun loaded with chitlins.



This is all assuming that terrorists are actually true believers of Islam which, unfortunately, they are not. They believe in spreading their message of hate all over the world without regard for the sanctity of human life. True believers of Islam abhor violence, but many have been steeped in it for centuries because of these terrorists and their divisive practices.



I submit that we Americans sacrifice an occasional ham sandwich and send our entire swine brigade over to the Middle East and drop them into the cities. The people who run are the true, peaceful Muslims and the ones who are left will be the radical extremists. We’ll separate the wheat from the chaff. Then we’ll round up all the terrorists, put them on planes and ship them to America for a fair trial. It would be a terrible shame if the planes only had enough fuel to make it halfway across the ocean.



Then, with the exception of rice and beans for our true Muslims, Americans will celebrate with a nation-wide pig roast.



You can reach Laura at lsnyder@lauraonlife.com or visit her website www.lauraonlife.com for more columns and info about her books.